The Backstory

Let’s slow down for a few minutes, sit comfortably, roll your shoulders back, sit with a straight and neutral spine. Now take a few slow, deep breaths through your nose. Feel your chest rising and falling, feel yourself releasing any tension that you find, be it a frown, a clenched jaw, tight shoulders, all the way down to your feet…release. If you feel adventurous, instead of breathing into your chest, breathe deeply into your belly, feel it expand and contract with each inhalation and exhalation. Continue for as long as you need.

Our focus for this upcoming year is to share our experiences while being mindful of the bigger picture. If this helps just one person or even plant a seed of awareness, that’s a win, however the intention is to bring an increased understanding of ourselves and others to improve our societal wellbeing, we’re ready for it. Also, this is not a justification or apology for actions or reactions but is an attempt at shining a light on our species in a less familiar way.

A social media post that I came across a few years ago stated that people who were: people pleasers, passive-aggressive, didn't have gut feelings, experienced depression, were angry, experienced severe flight, fright, freeze or fawn (I mainly froze and/or fawned), had difficulty trusting people, likely experienced abuse or trauma. This resonated with me and it described unconscious responses that I was becoming more aware of. Diving further into this field of mental ‘trauma’ opened a world of behaviours, emotions, reactions and more that brought a new level of awareness to what made me, me. I found the likes of Dr. Bessel Van Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score) and Dr. Gabor Mate (The Myth of Normal). I took a number of courses in this subject, spoke with therapists, psychologists and more to understand and heal from wounds that I didn’t realize were there. Trauma of the mind isn’t visible or tangible but it’s no less present than an unhealed wound to the body; imagine trying to live your life with wounds or broken bones even if they have kind of healed. You might be able to function but nowhere near your best and more likely, you are compensating or avoiding triggering the pain, a simple example is walking with a limp because of a knee pain, it happens almost subconsciously.

This doesn’t happen consciously, it becomes programmed into our unconscious minds.

Something Dr. Mate shared was:

Human babies have underdeveloped minds at birth, in comparison to other mammals so their first 3 to 5 years, plus the time in the womb are critical to the minds overall development. Stressed mothers, those with addictions, their own traumas, those in a stressful environment, etc. have elevated levels of cortisol aka the stress hormone or other levels out of normal which of course get passed on to the infant. After birth, infants and children have a limited way to communicate through crying, their emotions or words, if their needs aren't met, they adopt other approaches to getting attention aka shutting down, becoming the parent and hiding their emotions, being people pleasers, etc. in order to 'survive' or get what they want from their caregivers. These learned survival patterns, though necessary at the time, become an inhibitor when older, because those ‘gut feelings’ that tell you, I'm hungry, I'm sad, I feel…something, have been ignored for so long that the neural pathways have rewired themselves in another way…a less natural way. There are two types of Trauma, big Ts such as abuse or abandonment, and little Ts like ignored, dismissed, made to feel small, etc. but either one can make a lifelong impact.

My Story

That being said I’ve taken courses, have certifications in and practiced breathwork, meditation, life coaching, religion, spirituality, well-being and more but I continued to experience depression, anger and personal failures throughout my life. It wasn't until many years into having children of my own and seeing repeating patterns that I realized why all my wellness practices didn't result in a person that was happy inside.

By the time I learned about this thing called trauma, I had already sat down with my parents and told them about how I had held in blame and pain. Through this talk we started building a better relationship, a little bit of healing but alot of forgiveness and letting go on my part. I realized they had done their very best given their own histories and kept my sister and myself alive, fed, safe, educated, active and so many other things that I was so grateful for.

This healing journey into my past has given me a much better understanding of myself and surprisingly answered the ‘why’ of who I am today. Let me say upfront, I have and continue to have a blessed life, food on the table, amazing family and friends, my health and much more. In spite of all these blessings, I hated myself much of the time. In my head, I was never good enough and anything I did was wrong, because I thought of myself as a piece of $h!t. I lived this way for 3 decades with an incessant voice saying you're useless, you don't deserve love or happiness, everything you do is wrong, you’re a failure, nobody likes you. As a result, I was an angry, people-pleasing dude. Half jokingly my close friends called me the Hulk, I enjoyed it and actually identified with the angry green Hulk who was strong and lashed out at everyone.

Anger, low self-esteem, and a victim mindset didn't just apply in my mind, it manifested towards others through passive aggressiveness or me going somewhere alone and screaming, clenching my teeth, and hitting my punching bag until I had calmed down. I also had trouble committing to anything serious and if it was something I really wanted, I said I didn’t deserve it and did the opposite. This appeared in every relationship or activity that I took up, no matter what I did. That being said, I did a ton of activities and had fun just going with the flow or letting others choose what I should do, but there was always a low after the enjoyment, seething anger, or a voice telling me that I was never good enough.

Instead of dealing with issues head-on or trusting my gut, I made life decisions that sometimes unknowingly avoided the real causes of pain. My close relationships were superficial and I was never really 'present’, I just did what I thought the other person wanted, let them control me or tried to escape. Regret just reinforced my internal voice and I made lots of 'bad' decisions. In hindsight, I knew beforehand that the decisions I made were coming from a place of pain or avoidance versus in alignment with my true Self but I was very good at ignoring my gut and avoiding the pain.

Only in my late 30s did I realize how much hurt I was carrying inside. Dr. Mate said "trauma isn't what happened to you, it's what happens inside you as a result" which really makes sense. What happened to me in my past could have been anything, but how I interpreted and responded to it mattered. And for me, that simple explanation was enough to bring a huge understanding and healing to me and my family. I don’t get angry the way I used to, I understand people so much more now and I’m better at expressing healthy anger or my opinion… most of the time.

In order to help my children and stop the cycle, I need to heal myself. I cannot continue the same way because my children and those around me will suffer the same fate. This trauma-based mindset is subconscious and has been reinforced for decades so it's going to take work, forgiveness and understanding.

To sum this all up, I am so proud of the person I am becoming. It’s taken me a long time to be proud of myself.

Society’s story

Through this process, I’ve realized that nearly everyone is carrying trauma or baggage or has a backstory in some form, it’s a spectrum. There are the more obvious big ‘T’ situations talked about earlier (including war, societal violence, generational trauma, etc.) but each person and experience could bring its own little ‘t’ to the individual or group. Expanding this further, hearing about traditions, cultures, beliefs or significant events also influences how we interact with the world. Mental health issues, addictions and stress-related physical diseases are all on the rise even though our medical capabilities are the best ever. Why? Partially because we're not ‘seeking to understand’ first. We're looking at fixing the superficial symptoms of a deeper root cause with medications like antidepressants, numb the pain through drugs or gambling, or claiming there is some external force causing us to act in certain ways instead of acknowledging the healing work required by the Self in this journey. Regardless of race, location, belief system, or financial status, if we aren’t aware of and healing our personal and collective backstory, we are at significant risk of continuing the cycle.

Until we heal, we will experience repeating scenarios. Every moment gives us the chance to be better, heal, and grow which will remove the thick veils of pain that we carry.

My challenge to you this year is what’s the story that you carry within? What hurt, belief or experience are you carrying that guides your daily life? Who is the real you and what is the mask of safety that you put on?

If any of this resonates, we can always talk further.

In love,

Neil